I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
