i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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