I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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