i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
