I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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