Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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