I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
