i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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