fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
