then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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