Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
