I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
