I need help removing her.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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