I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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