Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
