No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
