She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he just fucked me for my cheese..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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