theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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