apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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