A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
