Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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