Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
