In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
