either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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