she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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