i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I want to be your penis for a week.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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