just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
