do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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