I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
