i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
