He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We got so high we made milksteak
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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