I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
40s are totally the cure
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
