i was born a porn star she said
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize