you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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