It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This beer is not sobering me up at all
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
