I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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