I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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