Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
