if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
