guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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