I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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