Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
