You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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