She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
