I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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