She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
