If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
