i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize