The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
