It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We need to get me chipped asap
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
