my sisters under your porch take her home
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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