Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
