Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
