first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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