I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
