Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
