doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize