I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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