Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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