i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ketchup is God's man juice
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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