just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
