So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
