she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize