If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
only you would photoshop your dick
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
