you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
FUCK WHALES
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
